I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
