Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
