party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
