I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
