no, he came in my armpit
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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