how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
