Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
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