I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
