omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
