gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Panties = found
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
