dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
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i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
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I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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