Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
