just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
