someone threw a dead crab at me
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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