I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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