bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
