All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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