Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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