I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
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It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
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I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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