You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
