Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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