Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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