I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
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Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
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yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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