After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
