i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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