Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
