hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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