no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
