I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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