ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
