apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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