seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
