Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
and you fell through a lawn chair
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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