Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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