dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
