if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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