No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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