Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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