He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.