Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
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She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?