im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
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He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
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So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit