Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
