Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
