I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
