Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
