I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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