We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
You took a bar mat shot.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
We're using joints as your birthday candles
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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