I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
