I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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