Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
