it's not cheating when I paid for it
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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