Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
