You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
