You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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