Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
