this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Boobs speak an international language.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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