The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
