i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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