Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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