Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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