Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
We're using joints as your birthday candles
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
