im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
The uberlube is also flammable
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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